birthdays was the worst days (biggie... anyone?)

so, today is the my last day as a 20 something.  tomorrow i will enter the third decade in my life and although freaked out, i am a bit excited!  i'm thinking this year has got to be better than this last year was.

now for a little history of melissa lesson - i have never been a fan of my birthday.  truthfully it is my least favorite day of the year, and has been for most of my life.  its not the addition of another year that makes me dislike my bday (well, this year is an exception), its the fact that i do not have someone to share it with. 

if you are reading this my guess is that you already know that i was a twin.  i came into this world four hours after my fraternal twin sister stephanie.  my sister had a heart defect and was ill, but she was beautiful.  we ended up loosing her during a heart operation on the ides of march when we were exactly 9 and 1/2 months old.  although i think about her often, my birthday is the hardest day of the year for me.  i should be celebrating it with my sister, whom i have always imagined would have been my very best friend.  i know that most people will never quite understand why my bday is so hard for me but i don't really care.

although tonight i am going out to celebrate with people that i love and i am admittedly going to drink my 20s away!  i swear i don't drink that often, but tonight i am definitely gonna kick back a few!

on another note this fake menopause thing really sucks.  i am having a hard time realizing that i am going to have to do this all over again in 20 years or so.  the outside of my body may look 30 (although i hope it looks a little younger) but the inside feels like i am in my 50s.  i am seriously exhausted, have been experiencing hot flashes and my insomnia has gotten much worse which i did not think was possible.  i have been up to see the sun rise every night except for four out of the last two plus weeks.  my pain has dramatically increased over the last few days, which obviously sucks.  yesterday i had a horrible migraine-ish headache, was super nauseous, shakey, had hot and cold flashes and had a few vomiting sessions.  this is all on top of my worse than usual lower abdominal /pelvic pain.  i honestly don't know if this was due to hormones, or if i am getting the flu or just having a bad migraine.  today i feel a still feel like shit, but i haven't vomited so i'm hoping this is a good sign! 

yet another note.  i really hate people.  this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life.  two people that i adore more than almost anything are seriously making my already hormonal, emotional state even worse.  both have nearly ignored any sort of contact with me all week long and i honestly do not know why.  btw these are unconnected situations.  i feel like i must get this out there - i am not making up my pain.  i do not enjoy feeling like shit, being broke and unemployed and i do not take pleasure in sitting on my couch all day.  i started this treatment, which is not fun at all so that i can get better and move on and up in my life.  i want to work, have my own place and travel.  i just need to get rid of this pain to do these things. and i'm gonna pull the birthday card now - i do not understand how someone who is usually my rock and the most helpful, caring person i know can't set aside their unfounded feelings for one day to help me celebrate my 30th birthday.  there are a few people out there that i cannot stand but i deal with them when i need to, like our mutual friends bdays and grad parties and so on.  so my feelings are hurt, pretty badly actually but i will survive.