i'm one lucky girl - seriously

yup, apparently i am going blog post CRAZY today!  maybe it's the rain?  i do feel like i have a few things that i need to share with anyone who may be reading this.

i want to thank all of my lovely, understanding, incredible friends who make my life so wonderful.  i have been a shitty friend lately, i don't get out much due to my pain and lack of fundage and i have been absent for many a birthdays, graduations, bachelorette parties etc. yet so many of my pals made it out to my bday and are always available if i need them.  i am not sure why i am so lucky or what i have done to deserve all of the love that i get from my friends and family, but i want everyone to know how much i love and appreciate you all.  

also, i want to share with whomever may be reading this that my bf and i are doing really well.  we have definitely had some ups and downs over the last few years and well, shit just hit the fan around my birthday.  we decided to take a break about a month ago and although it didn't last long at all, it helped us realize that we actually do like each other and enjoy spending time together.  since then things have been great between us.  truthfully as of now, things are going better for us than they have been in years.  i think it's safe to say that we both are working on our communication.  it's amazing how much a calm discussion can actually accomplish.  i love him and he loves me and we are both willing and ready to put some effort into figuring out what we need and what makes us happy both as individuals and as a couple.  

i guess i just wanted to let you all know that i am much more happy right now than i have been in quite a while - despite the medical bullshit i am going through.

and i honestly can't thank all of my friends and family enough for all of your help, love, understanding and support. 

bummer news

so i found out yesterday that my insurance is not going to cover my lupron shots.  i have had 2 shots and need another 4-10 to finish this treatment.  with the help of my AMAZING friends and family, research is being done to find a more affordable way to get this treatment finished (like grants or manufacturer discounts or programs).  as i have mentioned earlier the shots are $600 and i am supposed to get one a month.

i am sad and fell a bit helpless - this treatment is the only chance i have of getting better right now because my insurance will not pay for the exploratory surgery needed to diagnose endometriosis and without the diagnosis i can not get the surgery that would most likely cure my endometriosis.  i am trying my best to keep a positive attitude and although i am having a bit of a pity party today, tomorrow i will be back to get shit done mode!

just in case you are interested - here is a link to a informational endometriosis website.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/endometriosis/DS00289

it's a real nail-biter... or is it???

so, the rumors are true: i have stopped biting my nails.  as i prepared for menopause and to enter the third decade in my life i unintentionally stopped biting my nails!  one day i saw that my nails had white on the end of them and i thought to myself, i wonder what i would look like with nails.  and that was it!  i haven't bit a nail since and it has been nearly two months!  for my bday my mom and i went and had pedicures and manicures - it was my first manicure and it was fabulous.  so much so that i wish i could get a manicure weekly :) 

i don't know what the hell to do with nails.  i mean i know what you are supposed to do: push cuticles back, get gunk out from under them, cut, file and paint.  easy for most, but new to me and my crazy OCD makes shaping these puppies and making them all similar very difficult!  its so fun to be able to tap my nails on the counter and have them make a noise, it may sound silly, but i have never been able to do this. also my bf likes it when i scratch his back!

i'm telling you though that these things are dangerous.  i have scratched my face and given myself a little cut more than once by accident just moving my hand across my face! generally if i have an itch, (which i often do because of my allergies) i scratch it.  but now i have to be careful because i have made myself bleed just scratching at an itch.  

so dare i say these pretty nails of mine are definitely taking some time to get used to!  my little midget fingers do not look as bad as i always imagined they would if i had nails.  anyways, they are due for a painting today and maybe i will post a picture.  i am proud of myself and thought that i should share this with you all!

30 and 8 days...

i'm not gonna lie, being 30 sucks big time.  i have had quite a week.  don't really feel like sharing, but things seem to be looking up... finally!

as for my menopause - i will know tomorrow if my insurance is going to cover my treatment expenses or not.  if not, i can apply for a grant to get my monthly shot at a discounted price which would be $125 a month as apposed to the $600 a month they would charge my insurance.  so, hoping that my insurance will cover it and if not hoping i can come up with $125 a month for the next 5-11 months.  paying for menopause, whoever would have thought!

and as i have stated before, i am having a very hard time realizing that i have to do this (menopause) all over again in 20 years or so.  i'm guessing it's really not fun to be menopausal at any age but being 30 and going through this is very difficult - although i am going to do anything i can to get rid of this pain that i am attributing to endometriosis.  it's hard not to know if it's the sun that's making me super warm or a hot flash or if i am crying because i am upset for a good reason,  or if i am just crying because i have been pumped full of hormones.  i guess it's safe to say i don't even know who i am these days - i can only imagine that the ones around me are having a hard time figuring me out lately.  

i am hopeful that i will be happy, normal and pain free in just a few months, although the menopause symptoms will last up to 10 weeks after my last shot.  i am ready to get feeling better and find a decent paying job that i will like and i can move on and up from there.  it will happen, i have to believe that i can have everything i dream of because i deserve it and i will work hard to make this all happen.  

i guess that's really all i have to say today and will report back tomorrow on the status of my Lupron shot.  please wish me luck!